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Christmas Jokes 2

I wanna tell you what kind of luck I’ve got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they’d postpone Christmas.

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I’m gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts…groping their way through the smog singing: “It came upon a midnight clear.”

Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd’s outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father’s Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

I know. I know. I know that people say “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift”, but couldn’t people think a little biger!

Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say “Ho! Ho! Ho!

Father to three-year old: “No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna.

Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance Sale.

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It’s wound up already.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he’d know when to stop unwrapping. 

When I was young we were poor. We didn’t have a Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump. 

When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn’t afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze. 

Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties, particularly if they have to wear them. 

I remember my dad was chopping in a toy store. He said, “That’s a terrific train set. I’ll buy it.”The Clerk said, “Great, I’m sure your son will love it.”Dad said, “Maybe you’re right. I’ll take two.”

They say that Santa comes but once a year. I can’t understand that, considering all the bedrooms he visits.

It was so cold on Christmas Eve at the North Pole that Santa had to jump-start three of his reindeer.

I told Santa you were good this year….and He hasn’t stopped laughing since!

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

A Christmas Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

A Sign of the Times

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

An Axe to Grind

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, “I don’t
want to pay for it.”
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son’s whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. “How did you cut it down so fast?” his son asks.
“I didn’t cut it down,” the father replies.
“I got it at a tree lot.”
“Then why did you bring an axe?”
“Because I didn’t want to pay.”

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I’m gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

I know. I know. People say “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift”, but couldn’t people think a little bigger!

Santa Claus sure is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

Father to three-year old: “No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna.”

Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a clearance sale. 

A lighter-hearted view of Christmas comes care of this collection of jokes, funny stories and comical pictures. All of the material posted on this website is family-friendly in tone. Those marked (PG), though, may not be suitable for younger children.

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar

Santa drives a rusty car

Press the starter

Press the choke

Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

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